In the Summertime

Its summer...time to bring out those hot pants..pretty skirts..those cottons,,sexy tops...and party in a lovely beach..

Its that time of the year when beach, booze and babes are the USP (not Unique Selling Prop its Ultra Sexy Part) of the season..
Also, its time for the skin to bear the brunt of all this "Sunny" mood...*sigh*

But, why worry I did spend  a small chunk of my salary on sunscreens and sunglasses and scarfs...

Only thing in my mind is a little exotic holiday in the beaches of Maldives...maybe somewhere nearer...Andaman....*hoots hawls*...(Yea...Thank you).. aahh..hmm..

*logs in/checks account balance after shopping* Goa..maybe..

*calls up friends* Goa plan in progress *happy dance*

*convinces parents* Goa plan still in progress

*Applies for a week's leave* *DENIED* Goa plan goes down the drains with screams and shouts from friends *long sad face, turned back on my bed, head hidden under the pillow in a dark room*

And here I'm spending my summer time sipping refreshing Nariyal Paani at Juhu beach...So much for my exotic dream holiday..

Image Courtesy: www.toonpool.com

Autobiography of a Math book

My Name is Math...Applied Math..
The Most Feared, Most Dreaded, Most Hated Subject of all..

Hey, that'sa little show-off for my introduction..but in reality
I am lying here at the bottom of the To-Study List..Over me are all the other textbooks lined up.. English tops the Study-First section always..

Sigh..The moment kids pick me up..they start making this "Fuck man,Not Math again.." kind of expression..

Am I that bad?
Does everyone hate me that much?

Yes, I agree that I have too many "problems"
I am not "greater than" any one or consider anyone "lesser than" me..All are "equal"
I have my "plus and minus"...
I too like to "multiple" ..I was never into "divisions ...
My life has a lot of "tangents" "medians" "modes"..but who doesnt

Why do people hate me?

I also agree that am crazy about me "X"
I do think a lot about "sec x"
I have my own "limits" and "conditions"
I speak a lot of weird languages with symbols 'Pi" "theta" "alpha" "beta""dell" "null" "module"
I have two distinct personalities "Algebra" and "Geometry"
I am always in shape but my life is always in "circles"
I have so many weird people talking to me "Calculus and his brothers I, II, III" Uncle Pythagoras" "Newton" "Euler" and God knows who
I am diplomatic, I think of all "probabilities"

Still people hate me

I do have RHS and LHS to me like everyone
I try every "co-relation" techniques but always end up in "regression"
I use signs for every thing so that everyone understands me..but no one does
I am always "logical"
I have written "proofs" for everything
I always try to "integrate" but people think i make "derivative"


Why people hate me?

I am nice..I have always thought about good for my people.. I have done so much good for people who love me

I feel so lost in the "matrix" .."therefore" I declare myself  "infinite"

Every point, Every zero I would make would make so much difference in your salaries value...

Think about me...

Love me for what I am and what I did for you...

My first guest post - Bytes and Banter

First, Thank you to the admin's of http://www.bytesandbanter.blogspot.in

I was casually going through my email, when suddenly one email from Soumabha caught my attention.
It was an email asking me to be a guest blogger on his blog the http://www.bytesandbanter.blogspot.in

I was so excited to write my first guest blog that I came into my usual Nautanki self and wrote a rather "inappropriate" blog post, then I realized, with the kinda blog that http://www.bytesandbanter.blogspot.in is, a little saner me has to work on it.

He asked me to go through the blog and Once a started reading, trust me I spent all my afternoon reading their splendid blog.

I had sent my guest post for proof reading and Soumabha literally pulled the tensed exam giving 2nd admin of https://www.bytesandbanter.blogspot.in Shubham to proof read my blog post.

My saner brains work, my first guest post http://bytesandbanter.blogspot.in/2013/04/the-imperfect-organizer.html

Exams

Since its the exam season now, I was thinking like..there are few questions that have been repeating for generations now..

I thought of listing down some FAQ/actions/lines's before, during and after the exams

1. Kitna padh k hua? (How much have you studied)

2. Kya important hai? (Which topics are important)

3. Aaj ka date kya hai (Whats today's date)

4. Extra pen hai kya (Do you have an extra pen)

5. Ek last sutta maarke chalte hai (lets puff a last cigratte before the exam)

6. Ye pass ho jau bass (I hope to clear this exam)

7. Abbe mereko kuch nahi aata hai, mai aaj gaya pakka (i dunno a thing, am screwed man)

8.*looking at the first question* lag gai (screwed)

9. *showing your friend the "throat cut* action

10. maine ye option mei chod diya aur vo hi aaya.. (i had left this topic in option and only that came in the exam)

11. Ye toh out of topic laga mereko (i thought this was out of the syllabus)

12. Tu extra supplement leke itna kya likh raha tha? ( what were you writing so much in that extra supplement)

13. Kal ke paper mei acha padega..promise (will study better for the next exam)

14. Main confirm fail (im gonna flunk)

15. Chit ka koi fayda hi nahi tha?

16. *in hush voice* paper dikha na? (show me your paper)

There surely are more of it..but right now I think these have to top the list.

All the best to everyone who is burning their midnight oils for your exams.

Image Courtesy: http://beta.topperlearning.com

How I got over my Dog-Phobia

I had this big big..ultra big fear for dogs from the time I was in my 7th std...so much so that I used to hold just anyone who is near me if a dog came anywhere in 10 meters radius around me..If it would start to bark and growl I would have fainted for sure..I used to cross the roads to get away from dogs...even pups..

When I was in my 7th std...on my way to school, I had a textbook in my hand..A dog was trying bite it or something..and I pushed it with my book...That's it!!
It barked trice and there was a huge army of 20-25 dogs appearing out of nowhere..from under the cars, from the gutter, behind the trees, garden seats everywhere...I was scared to death..so much so that I screamed my lungs out and started running frantically in all the direction...I went and hugged some random man wailing and pleading him to save me from these dogs...
From then on..I have had this dinosaur size dog phobia...Until........I met Rani

Initially, I was scared of her too..I didn't go near her...

Rani of Kaivalyadham

One evening, she peacefully plonked herself on my bag and no amount of shooing worked. Very cautiously I went near her...She looked up from where she was seated and those eyes had so much love...so much kindness...I couldn't help myself..automatically my hand went to her head and i started patting her...She sweetly closed her eyes and made this "Thank you" expression and got off my bag..

Again next day, she was lazing in the shades of the mangroves, the moment she saw me...she got up and walked up to me...looked up with the same "please caress me" look..

Then on...all week that I was there..I used to specially go to the mangroves to meet Rani..sometimes with biscuits for her..
5 minutes with Rani, and obviously no communication between us..Just caressing and patting...I felt that unconditional love..I knew she could understand me..
She had this "Don't go" look when I told her I wont be coming from now on...That eve, Rani walked with me till the gate of the mangroves..

Now Rani is a 1000kms away from me..I don't think I would ever see her again...but thanks to her..I love dogs now

After that day, I can see Rani in every dog...
Now, I have Deewana, the angry dog of my office premises, who has an attitude of a lion but nature of a kid and 6 little pups in my office premises

(Left) The 6 pups- one in hiding, (Right) Deewana

Deewana, surely does understand everything..and is very protective too..
One night, when I left work very late and it was all dark outside, Deewana came out and waited with me till I got a rickshaw and only after he was convinced that I was safe, he went back..

That I think is one of the best moments in my life, and It feels immensely beautiful to be loved unconditionally

Thank you Rani...Thank you Deewana and the pups
I know you would never read this post..It just my way of saying "I love you too"

Picture Courtesy: Samsung Images of my phone and MS-Paint to join the pics

Wrong Turn

One wrong turn, turned his life upside down.
That rainy eve, cold winds blowing around, that foggy road, that almost clouded his vision. The moist glass of his car, the scene reminded him something right out of a Bollywood flick..

The fog, made him miss a turn and here he is now stranded in nowhere, with a car that is broken down and the only light on the dark road was the yellow flickering tail light of his own car.

Sitting inside the Mercedes, he felt like a stupid trapped animal..He turned his left wrist to check the time on his new expensive Tag Heur.. "Ohh hell, Have I been in this place for 45 mins...darn..without a mobile signal"

And then..there was a slight knock on his frosted window...

All he saw was a lithe shadow in red..looked like a female...
He was half tempted to shoo her away, then he realized, maybe she was stuck too in this alien land.

He rolled down the window to look at the most beautiful pair of eyes he had ever seen, the thought of turning her away just flew off the open window.
Her face was covered with a black dupatta, that was wet and matted on her face. He could see the soft contours of her lips that were visible through the opaque wet dupatta. That well chiseled nose, and perfectly curvacious body made quite a facinating picture in front of him.
Without saying a word, he opened the passenger door for her to get in.
Quietly she got in the car and was fidgeting with the end of her wet dupatta.

After 20 minutes of silence, the night started to creep in, crickets starting to chirp around, fog started to clear. In the stillness of the car, he slowly tried to lean over her to kiss her... and she gave him this startled frightened  look and said....





"Papa, Mei hu Chinky....Bike kharab ho gai thi...Aapko dekh k aa gai mei..."
(Daddy, Its me Chinky, My bike broke down and came her when I saw you)
 LMAO

Picture Courtesy: www.googleimages.com

Stupid Auto Correct..Stupified Auto Correct..What DAFAQ

Recently, about a few months back. I got myself an Android touch phone. I totally love this phone except fot the Auto-correct mode.
This Auto-Correct button is right beside the space bar button. So, many a times when I try to punch a space, the Auto-Correct button gets pushed and BullS**t happens.

My Auto-correct changes the nicest words to something vulgar and slangs to something nice.

It kills me of embarrasment.
Like for example

1. Fuck becomes FRUCTOSE

2. Sorry, Auto Correct becomes Sorry, Auto C*NT

3. Mail me the pics becomes MALE me the DICKS

4. Im at the doc becomes Im at the DICK

5. Sorry Sir becomes Sorry SUCK

6. Kal mil muje becomes COAL MILL MAZE

7. The uniform is blue becomes the UNICORN is blue

8. Get your pants washed becomes Get your PEN*S washed

9. Inner Peace becomes Inner PEN*S

10. We plan to group at the beach becomes We plan to GROPE at the beach

11. She is a Public Relations Head becomes she is PUBIC Relations DEAD

12. I miss you alot becomes I miss you CLIT

13. That actor Dennis Quaid becomes That actor Dennis QUAIL / QUID / QUADRAPLE

14.  Its a drag race becomes Its  FROG race

15. I streaked my hair red becomes I FREAKED my hair red

16. That pkg will be delivered today becomes The PIG will be delivered today

17. Im having dinner becomes Im having DINOSAUR

18. Im a permanent employee became Im a PREGNANT employee

19. She is the best became She is the BUST

20. Im in the elevator became Im in the ELEPHANT

21. I got it this Monday became I got it this MANB**BS

22. Had a nice walk on the beach became Had a NUDE walk on the beach

23. I got the cake became I got the COCK

24. I love gossips became I love GOAT SHEEP

25. We are fasting became We are FARTING
 
That's the worst I could think of for now...Will update some huge Epic failure moments if it occurs (Thought I hope it doesn't)....

Dang, You Auto Correct...

PS: The above data is collected from the messages sent to my friends and family on Whatsapp/Sms/Gtalk etc....

Valentine Special: My Chatroom Girl

Every Valentine's day does deserve a love story. Mine is not exactly what I would call a love story, it more like a dumb story of ego, confusion, ignorance, and too much reliability on others opinion than the opinion of my heart.

I still remember the day so clearly, It was a lovely winter evening when I was fooling around on the Yahoo Chat. Her id suddenly caught my attention, honkoponkoponk Yea, this was her id.
I didn't know whether it was a guy or a girl or what. I just loved the id, so I pinged the honkoponkoponk and got a reply.
After 45 mins of our chat I realized, that she is the one I want to be with. I had not seen her picture, I had not heard her voice, I didn't know if she was for real or a prank id.
All I knew was, I want to be with this honkoponkoponk.

I was in Nashik, and she was in Mumbai then. After that day we started chatting almost everyday. One day without a chat with her would be one of the most dreaded days then. I wanted to hang on every letter she typed. It was something about the way she said things, something about  the way she understood me even without seeing me. She could sense my mood so perfectly, her words then made me forget all my worries. The world just seem to be perfect in my small little cyber world.
I was madly in love with her. Now, all my friends knew that I was crazy about this mystery honkoponkoponk.

 But, I could never gather enough courage to tell her that. My friends said that she might not be the one for me. Their opinion hazed my love for her, I was confused. She wasn't giving me any signs that she feels anything me either, my ego was too strong to see that one day I might push her away.


After chatting for 1 year 3 months and 22 days,popped up the name Honkoponkoponk  with a HeyHo on the chat, I could sense that she wanted to eagerly tell my something.
Hell broke loose on me..
She is engaged to be married...my heart started beating wild, my head felt heavy and dizzy,... No No...No...this cant be happening to me... I have lived every breathing moment dreaming of a perfect life with her....Maybe God sensed my feelings and the internet line went dead....

I was heartbroken, out of frustration of being left alone I got married to another woman that year. Someone I never loved.

On 18th November, she pinged me suddenly, her name honkoponkoponk on my screen, brought back all the memories, tears appeared out of nowhere, She just wrote one paragraph and vanished.

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that my wedding was called off after 3 months, I wanted to tell you that I loved you always. I didn't know if you felt the same. You told me that your friends think am not good enough for you, so I never told you how I felt. I wanted to know what you think. I tried to tell you in subtle ways that I love you but you always changed the topic. I lost hope. I know you are married. I have checked your Facebook a 100 times all this while. I had to tell you that I love you one last time. Good bye Krishy.

My heart stopped beating then, the room started spinning..my stupid ego, others opinions, ignorance about her feelings,... all this was too overwhelming. I wanted to scream and cry real loud. I clenched my chest so hard, that my heart would have bursted out. I fell on the floor weeping for losing the only woman I ever truly loved.
That was the last time I ever saw my honkoponkoponk. 

Now, even the id doesn't exist. I have still not seen her, I have heard her voice though. I will never forget that lovely, sweet, honey-dipped voice.
She will always remain in my heart as My love....My Honkoponkoponk....

Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart!!!!

Image Courtesy: Google Images/Yahoo chat window

Being Indian

I was traveling to Pune and this guy next to me in the bus got chatty... and suddenly he asked me

He: "Are you a Maharastrian?"
Me: "No, Im a Tamilian"

His eyes grew as huge as saucers and he had this expression as if an alien had descended in our bus, and is sitting on my head..

Me: " What? why this expression?"
Him: "you don't have the typical Madhrasi looks"
Me: "and what exactly is a typical (emphasizing on the word) MADHRASI looks?"

People have so many preconceived notions, like for people is Maharashtra and above..like north and eastern parts..any states below the belt of Madhya Pradesh is Madhras (Madras a.k.a Chennai)

For now lets just separate, Northies and Southies
Northies = All and sundry above Karnataka
Southies = All and sundry below Karnataka, including Karnataka


Him: "You are a Tamilian, so you speak Tulu, right?"
Me: "I'm a Tamilian, and I speak Tamil"
Him: "Tamil and Tulu mei difference hi kya hai?" (Not much difference between Tamil and Tulu right)
Me: "Utna hi jitna Hindi and Gujarati mei hota hai" (Not much, its only as different as Hindi and Gujarati)
Him: "But, you dont have that accent, neither do you look so"
Me: "Reality Check mister, most of my people do not have accents and really what do you expect, me to sport a 9 yard saree?"

For the Northies, Karnataka and Andra Pradesh, Kerala, Tamilnadu is one,
Tulu + Kannada + Telugu + Tamil + Malayalam = Anda Gundu

For the Southies,
Marathi + Gujarati + Hindi + Bihari + Haryanvi + Every other language = Hindi (Indhi to be accurate)

Like, now you...yea you...the one reading this post...
close your eyes and imagine a South Indian Man and a South Indian woman..
Typically, the man is wearing a lungi, folded on this knees and tied to his waist, 3 lines of vibhuti (holy ash) on his forehead, having big bushy mustache, and saying "Yenna Rascala"
The woman, clad in kanchiveeram saree, jasmine garden on her head, lots of gold on her, a huge nose ring, 1 line of vibhuti on her forehead, just above the huge round red bindi and saying "aiiyyooooo vanakaam"

Now tell me, how many real life South Indians do you know who sport this look in their daily life? No one right...

Lets just go state wise for people's general notions about other states,
Kerala = Nariyal (coconut), Back waters and  80% men working in Gulf
Tamilnadu = Rajnikaant
Karnataka + Andra Pradesh = merges into one and becomes Bangalore and Hyderabad = IT city and Biryani
Maharashtra = Mumbai = Bollywood and Local trains
Goa = Beach, Babes and Beer
Madhya Pradesh = IAS officers
Rajasthan = Palace
Gujarat = Dhanda, bijness (business), rokda, paisa (money), ghatiya, dhokla, dandiya
West Bengal = Red and white saree, fish, Durga pooja and Roshogolla (bengali sweets)
Uttar Pradesh + Bihar + Haryana = Gangsters and Desi Guns
Punjab = Paneer, bhangra and Trucks
Mizoram + Sikkim + Meghalaya + Tripura + Nagaland + Arunachal Pradesh = Far Far Far East (These are like exotic states)
Jammu &  Kashmir = Army and Terrorists

I think that's about it, about the general notions of people across our country. I mean there is so much more than just these insane notions...

What do I say.. We love the way we are..We love India the way it is..We crib..We rant..but still we stand united during crisis..We love our flag..We love our military...We love our cricket team...

We love to chant BHARAT MATA KI JAI .... JAI HIND!!!!!



Image courtesy: www.mapsofindia.com

The Mayans Screwed Up my Life

I think the Mayan's should be beaten to death yet again...Why?

On 20th of December 2012, 

I quit my job...I screamed at my boss and called him an jack ass with a cork in his ass...and i showed him the middle finger and walked off his cabin like with those Hollywood movie star attitude... without even taking my salary or my dues....

I took my car to the highway in top speed and rammed it on a cop van, and killed 3 cops, and drove off in full speed with loud nerve wreaking music on, even while the uninjured, alive cops were noting down my vehicle registration number.

I went to the biggest brands and shopped with every credit card and debit card I had, wore one pair of the new jeans, t shirts, glasses and walked down the street like a gangsta...

I went to the whore-house, asked for the most famous whore, and took all my time enjoying....after I was done I walked off the place like a king pimp..

I reached my house, I broke my neighbors car windows, threw stones at random houses, screamed abuses standing in the middle of my complex, removed my shirt and danced in Gangam style all across the street...so much so that my mother nearly fainted..

I got myself the best booze in town and drank it all in a go, on my doorstep and fell right on my father's feet...puking all over my drawing room rug..

Today, Im in a bankrupt, with 3 cases of rash driving, murder and nuisance in public, my parents have disowned me, my credit card bills have mounted to an amount so much so that their goons have started visiting me in my now new address the Alibag mental asylum in the AIDS cell..

I thought the world would really end...it didnt....darn...FU Mayans


DISCLAIMER: THE PERSON IN THIS STORY IS AN IMAGINARY CHARACTER  ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE SAME IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL  IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO DID ALL THIS PLEASE INTRODUCE ME TO THEM.